Raw Emotion

This blog will probably be raw and be a little uncomfortable for most people. I know it will be a little uncomfortable for me to write.

Seven years ago, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder with severe anxiety. In that time, I have learned many things. I have learned the importance of taking my medication. I notice a huge difference when I don't take it as compared to when I do. I'm not saying that everyone who is depressed should take medication, but that is something each person has to discuss with their physician or psychiatrist. I have taken medicine for 7 years. Last April (2010), I met with my doctor and made the decision to come off the medicine. At that time, it was so hard to do. It seemed like everything was falling apart in my life again. Now, I realize it wasn't. But...like my middle sister, Tracy, I can be a drama queen! (And with that statement, I am secretly laughing on the inside.)

When I had to put Sera down last July, I was dealing with the stages of grief, which I will get to. I met with my doctor again and made the decision to go back on the same medication. We made the decision to do so until I am done with school and have gone through the stages of grief: shock/denial, pain/guilt, anger, depression/loneliness, upward turn, reconstruction, and finally acceptance/hope.

When it comes to dealing with Sera, I am in a few places along my path of grieving. I am trying to have the upward turn, but I am in the loneliness stage right now. I miss her SO much. For so long she was the constant in my life. The doctor said that since I have never had to go through these stages before, it might be best to have something to help me focus while I do, and the medicine does that. After I am done with school next spring and have made it through the stages, I can then revisit coming back off the medication. As for the depression, there are things in my past that I am not proud of. Over the last year, I have realized that these are things that I should never regret. The things that have happened make me a stronger woman and make me who I am and why I have some of the beliefs I have, and why I am a big advocate for certain things.

For years after high school, I struggled with my faith. Being a history major I learned to question many things, including religion. After I started work on my second bachelor's degree I was doing minors in both Appalachian studies and Religious studies, further allowing me question religion. I believe in some aspect I was angry with God for allowing the things to happen to me that did and asking why. If there was truly a God, why would he allow this? Things in my life became more chaotic, and more problems, more depression, more drama, more bad decisions. As I look back, from where I was a year ago with my faith and where I was five years ago, I see a dramatic difference. When I was first diagnosed with depression, I was depressed. I know where it started and what the event that triggered it was. In the last 7 years, I have worked on getting past that. I still get a little teary eyed when I think about it, but for the most part I am okay. I know that the timing wasn't good. One thing I did towards the end of my collegiate career and my 2 years in Casper after graduation was really focus on myself. Who was I? Where was I? Where had I been? Where was I going? Where did I want to be? How do I get there? What can I do to get there? I really focused on myself, not in the selfish sense that everything was all about me; more along the lines that I needed to be happy again. I wanted to be happy again.

Before my 'event', I was audacious! I was outgoing, I loved meeting new people with no fear of rejection. I enjoyed going to church, not so much high school. I enjoyed being active whether it was figure skating or dancing. I used to play softball. I missed that. I missed who I used to be. Once I started working on me, that is where I wanted to be. I wanted to be truly happy. I have yet to actually reach that stage, but where I am now as compared to 7 years ago is so much further. I am happy to a point. I can now live on my own without asking for help from my parents! HAHA! That's funny. True. But funny nonetheless.

I sit back and look at myself and realize that I am a strong, independent, intelligent woman. I am a good friend. I am a good listener. I have a close group of friends that love me, quirks and all. But how did I get here and why am I talking about it?

Now I know that everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for all of us, whether we believe in him or not. Things work out the way that they are supposed to. We may question why it turned out the way it did. It may not be a reason we can see right away, but we always will see the reason if we choose to open our eyes. I have been working on my faith for a year now. I am getting more into it, but I still don't talk about it much. If I am not blogging, I am still writing. Still writing away in my book. I just hope and pray that I can make it through my stages of grief. Hope and acceptance can't come soon enough, but I know there is a reason we start at denial and not acceptance. I hope and pray that I can finally be happy and be where God wants me to be. I hope and pray that I can be a better Christian.