Happy Birthday Mushka

I will be a blubbering mess as I type this. I will be a blubbering mess before I get the next few sentences out. To put it plainly, I miss my mom something fierce. Even that doesn't seem like it covers it. There is so much more to it than that. I'm still completely heartbroken that she's gone. And...with that, are the waterworks.

Mushka, as I have called her all of my adult life, has been gone a year and 2 days. In 51 minutes will be her birthday. August 25th. My mom was not quite 68 when she left this world on August 22nd, 2014. She would be 69 tomorrow. So, what have I learned this past year. It certainly isn't how to be happy. I started that, even on this blog. Didn't continue. I couldn't continue. What I have learned is that even when we want life to stand still, even just for one moment and be able to hang on to that moment, it continues on. That is the single, most important thing I have learned this past year. The second and only other thing I have learned, how to put on a false face. Even when I am dying inside, when I need to show others my outward appearance means that I put on a 'happy' face. 

I can sit here all night and write about how amazing my mom is. I can sit here all night and write about the type of person she was and how she raised the three of us. But, I know that know matter what I decide to do with my life, the things I decide to do, she's proud of me. She raised me to be a strong, independent woman. Both of my parents did. They raised me to know right from wrong, to help those in need, to be an impartial third party, to stand my ground, and to hold my tongue. The last one hasn't completely stuck yet. I'm working on it. But, I digress. I know that my mom was proud of me. Even on the days she wanted to strangle me. I was definitely the handful of the three, the rebellious one. I was the one who snuck out after curfew and sneak back in through the kitchen window. Yes, I did that. And yes, I got caught. I'm the one that would sneak the car keys in high school, put the car in neutral, let it roll down the hill to the neighbors house and start it, and drive all the gas out. That's how I got caught. Who knew? But ultimately, my parents raised me to make something of myself. I'm working on it. And I know that both of them, not just my mom, loved me with everything they have and are proud of me. 

Going forward this year, year #2, I need to do what is best for me and for my family. That point has recently been driven home for me. My goal for this year is to learn to be happy, Learn to smile and mean it. I know that is what my mom would want for us. My mom was always the person to celebrate life, family, and friends. She had this infectious laugh, and warm smile. And while I miss her, I know she's watching down on us and I feel her from time to time. 

Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven Mushka. As long as I'm living, my momma you'll be. Love you, mean it!