Trying to Understand

I have so many different emotions, as one might expect after someone loses someone that they love. To say I typed that sentence without tears would be a lie! I definitely have my moments. Most of the time I deal, I'm numb, I'm just there. I'm sad. I'm an emotional trainwreck. I have so many unanswered questions that I want answers for. Some have told me that I would get angry. I'm not angry. I can't be angry at my mother for...what...dying? passing away? losing her battle? No. I can't be mad at her.

I haven't felt like doing much of anything lately. Before my mom went into the hospital for the first of her three trips we were digging in the back flower bed. It had become so overgrown over the years. We were trying to get it cleaned out. She had planted some gladiolas and day lilies out there. It took me a week after she passed to get out there. I pulled weeds with tears in my eyes. I haven't finished, but I'm almost done with that.

Dad and I went to dinner for her birthday one night. That was something we've always done. If it was mine, or his, or her birthday or Mother's/Father's Day we'd go to dinner.

This past Monday I woke up and wanted to have a 2 way conversation with her. She wasn't there to respond. When I realized that, my day started to officially suck. I know I can talk to her anytime, and I do. It just isn't the same when I want a 2 way conversation. I felt so discouraged with the job hunt and I just need reassurance from my mom.

Today I received a call for an interview in the field that I went to school for and the field I want to work in. I was so excited and wanted to have that 2 way conversation with her. I told her, but it just isn't the same.

It's hard. This entire thing is hard. Watching my dad is hard. Flipping through videos and coming across one that my mom was talking in the background to me (that I wasn't aware she was on) and hearing it was hard. I have been blessed though. I was raised by two people who were hard working their entire life, who instilled in me that same idea. But, also to be strong minded, independent, and courageous. My parents were raised in the South, so even though I spent a good portion of my life in Wyoming and Colorado, I still have the Southern mindset. I know where my roots come from. I spent time growing up learning how to sew, can, and all that comes with being Southern. I have 2 sisters who are supportive in all of this b/c we are all going through the same thing. I have a fabulous group of friends who check on me constantly via texting, fb messages, phone calls, emails, etc. I can honestly say that I have been blessed. But, I also know that part of this passage is something that I have to navigate on my own at times. We all deal with grief differently.

My mom never wanted to see someone sad. She never wanted us to be sad. So, in her honor, part of what I want to do with this blog is do a year of happiness. Of course, I will be posting my journey navigating these waters, but I also want to post something each day that makes me smile.